The Woman You're Trying to Become Already Exists

You've been working on yourself for years. Reading the books and doing the inner work. And yet somehow you still feel like you're not quite there yet. Like the woman you want to become is just out of reach. One more course, one more breakthrough, one more level of healing and then maybe you'll finally arrive.

What if I told you that woman already exists?

I spent most of my life believing the opposite.

Scarcity was something I grew up with. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say the feeling of scarcity. We lived on the wrong side of Catford in South East London. My mother worked as a cleaner at the primary school I attended, and my father worked as a laborer renovating houses. We had enough in many ways - I never went hungry, the lights stayed on, somehow my parents managed. But I was painfully aware of what we didn't have.

Even though lack of money was rarely mentioned explicitly, there was an ever-present sense of financial struggle. Worn shoes were repaired, not replaced. Clothes came from jumble sales, and I knew not to ask for expensive items.

Conversely, our kitchen was stocked full of convenience food - my mother would often buy more of what we didn't need until some of the tins would go past their best-before date. Looking back, this was likely her own scarcity response. It probably afforded her some comfort to know that even if everything else was a struggle, the cupboards weren't completely bare.

I absorbed that scarcity like a second language. Even when I left home, got jobs, and saved money, the belief stayed with me. I'd look at other people's lives and think they had something I didn't. Some quality or confidence or worthiness that made good things flow to them more easily.

In my mid-thirties, after being hospitalized with pancreatitis, I started to reevaluate how I was living. I was divorced, in debt, wondering why checking all the "right" boxes had only brought me to a point where I felt disconnected from who I was and dissatisfied with how I spent my days. I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew it wasn't more of what I already had. I felt like I was existing in each day, never living.

So I gave notice on my rented flat, moved back in with my parents, paid off my debt and started saving. Then I took myself to India for six months to try and remember who I was before the world had told me who I was supposed to be. (Thank you, Charles Bukowski.)

It was a journey of reclamation, but also of recognition. I was exploring parts of myself I'd buried beneath the scarcity story. Beginning to get a glimpse of the woman within.

Solo travel was exhilarating but also exhausting. I was mostly hot, tired, and uncertain. In my many moments of doubt, I often wondered what I was moving towards or what awaited me when I finally returned home. I had no job and no home of my own to go back to. But whenever I hesitated and questioned which way was next, I knew with absolute clarity that it wasn't in the direction of the life I'd already lived. "Not that" was a frequent thought.

It was a pivotal time. India became a benchmark for everything that came afterwards. When I found myself facing challenges or feeling fearful, I'd remind myself of what I'd accomplished and it gave me courage to continue.

I returned to London. I changed my name by deed poll, fell in love, got married again, eventually moved to NYC and built my business working with midlife women. This is a highlight reel, of course. There were plenty of difficult times in and around the positive parts. But life was good.

Then somewhere along the way, I found myself stuck again. I loved my new life but I'd lost a bit of the spark that had brought me to it. I'd got to a certain point and then doubted my ability to go further.

Working for myself was wonderful in many ways. I had flexibility and freedom. I called the shots and didn't have to deal with office politics. But I wasn't making the money I needed to, and I was feeling the pressure financially.

Despite all the change I'd created, I was still hanging on to my scarcity story. The story that had started in childhood and stubbornly stuck. Just below the surface was a belief that I wasn't good enough. I was still the girl from the wrong side of town who looked longingly at other people's lives, where money seemed to flow with more ease.

I convinced myself I couldn't charge what I needed to because nobody would pay me that much. I also created another story about the evils of capitalism and how lowering my prices was an act of rebellion against a system that made so much inaccessible to so many.

While capitalism may indeed have its flaws, it's untrue to say that's all that was keeping me from financially flourishing. I didn't believe I deserved to. I hadn't grown up in an environment that modeled financial security and I hadn't done the inner work to change my deep rooted beliefs about what I was deserving of, or capable of.

I found myself at a place where I realized the same behavior was going to yield the same results. This time I didn't leave my life and jet off to another country. I knew I needed to go deeper, not further.

I joined a program that teaches women how to build wealth. I learned business strategy and got money mindset coaching. It was the first time I'd ever taken such a direct approach to working through old fears and beliefs. Over time, it started to pay off.

My bank account didn't change overnight. But I did begin to chip away at some of the fundamental beliefs I'd unwittingly reinforced over the years. I got curious about what I believed to be true, and why. I connected with other women on similar paths and we shared stories and brainstormed solutions.

As I worked through these beliefs, my husband and I continued saving toward a home of our own. Having spent years moving from rental to rental, I was ready to claim my own space where I felt safe and settled. Where I could root down and feel grounded. It had been my dream for a long, long time but I'd been too scared to move towards it.

I found a quiet place in nature that I was able to rent on weekends. It wasn't my own sanctuary, but when I was there it felt as though it could be. Those weekend trips weren't just escapism; they were a way of practicing the life I said I wanted, even before I fully trusted myself to claim it.

Then, as our savings slowly built up, I stopped taking the weekend trips upstate. I told myself that it was money best saved, not spent. I convinced myself that I had to bide my time and focus on the future. Even though it was making me anxious and miserable to spend weekends in the noisy city when I longed for peace and quiet in nature.

It wasn't until months later that I suddenly realized I'd slipped back into my scarcity story.

So I took steps to course-correct. I started going back upstate when I had free weekends. I wasn't going to allow fear to tell me that doing so would take me further away from the life I wanted. I chose to believe instead that it was bringing me closer.

Three years later, I'm writing this from my own peaceful place in nature. The home I dreamed about is ours now, humble though it is.

But this isn't about a house. It's about a woman who began to believe she was worthy. A woman who kept taking consistent steps, big and small, to rewrite a story that wasn't serving her.

She doesn't charge less than she needs to anymore. She makes decisions from what she knows to be true instead of from fear of what might happen. The scarcity story still shows up sometimes, but it doesn't get to dictate how she lives.

That's who was there all along. I just had to get out of her way.

This is how I work with midlife women. Whether through personalized meditations or ceremony, it's always about recognition. About realizing the woman you've been trying to become has been there all along. She's just been buried beneath inherited beliefs and old patterns.

Old patterns are loud and familiar. When you're tired or doubting yourself, they're the voice you hear first - telling you to play small or wait until you're ready. If you need daily support that drowns out the scarcity story and reminds you of the woman who's already there, that's what Elevations do. They're personalized meditations with your name woven through, designed specifically for your life and the patterns you're working to shift. Create your Elevation here.