When Friendships Don't Survive Your Growth
There's a particular kind of grief that comes with losing a friendship not to betrayal or conflict, but to growth. It's the realization that the person you're becoming doesn't fit the space your relationship once occupied. The conversations that used to feel nourishing now leave you drained or uninspired.
If you're navigating this tender territory, you're not alone. Contrary to the inspirational memes, not every relationship is meant to survive every season of your life.
We often maintain friendships based on shared history rather than current compatibility. This becomes particularly pronounced in midlife when our capacity for authentic relationships increases while our tolerance for inauthentic ones plummets.
When Growth Becomes Threatening
Some of our friendships were built on specific versions of who we used to be. For example, the friend who benefitted from your people-pleasing tendencies might resist your newfound boundary-setting. The person who felt safe with your self-doubt might feel unsettled by your growing confidence.
Research by Dr. Kristin Neff shows that self-compassion is consistently linked with healthier ways of relating to ourselves and to others. That shift in how we treat and understand ourselves can mean we become less available for relationships rooted in mutual criticism, comparison, or commiseration. This can sometimes feel threatening to friends whose connection with you was forged around those foundations. Sometimes your growth becomes a mirror they don't want to face. [1]
I once worked alongside someone who treated every shift as an opportunity to catalog workplace grievances. Initially, we'd bonded over our shared frustrations, but over time I began to dread her arrival in the office. I might start the day feeling optimistic, but within minutes of her sitting down across from me, I’d notice my mood plummet.
It felt awkward. We'd become friends as well as colleagues, but I found myself wanting to spend less time with her. Despite repeated attempts to redirect our conversations toward solutions or different topics entirely, she seemed determined to remain in complaint mode, regardless of whether anything productive might emerge from the discussion.
When I eventually moved to another company, we initially maintained contact. But as her complaint patterns bled into every area of our friendship (her relationships, her living situation, her family), spending time together became exhausting rather than enjoyable. The friendship naturally faded.
Even healthy relationships have their difficult periods, but for the most part they should leave us feeling witnessed and supported rather than drained. When interactions consistently deplete rather than sustain you, your body is providing valuable feedback that deserves attention, regardless of history or obligation.
The Grief of Letting Go
Letting go of a friendship that no longer fits requires its own form of grieving. Unlike romantic relationships, friendships rarely have clear closure rituals or social recognition of their significance when they end or drift.
The experience of a friendship fading (when there’s no clear break or ceremony) is often described using the concept of "ambiguous loss." That term was coined and developed by Pauline Boss to describe grief that lacks clear resolution, and clinicians and researchers (including Dr. Miriam Kirmayer, who writes and speaks about friendship loss) commonly use the idea to explain the slow, unresolved sorrow that comes when a relationship gradually drifts. [2][3]
It's also true that it's not just the relationship itself that we mourn, but sometimes the version of ourselves that existed within it. This grief is valid. Honor it without using it as evidence that you should return to relationships that no longer support your growth.
Creating Space for What's Coming
As you release friendships that can't accommodate your evolution, you create space for relationships that celebrate who you're becoming. This might feel lonely to begin with, but this necessary clearing allows authentic connections to take root.
I’ve come to trust what my body tells me about relationships. I’ve given up feeling guilt about expectations of loyalty, and acknowledged instead that genuine alignment and reciprocity is something I want to prioritize. From this space, I’ve made some incredible new friendships in midlife. It’s been a surprise and a delight.
The friendships that do evolve alongside you will feel different because they're based on who you are now, rather than who you used to be. These friends might not understand every choice you make, but they won't push you to resist changes that are instrumental on your own journey of self-discovery.
Some relationships will naturally fade as paths diverge, and this can happen with mutual respect. Others will require more decisive boundaries when there's active resistance to your growth. Neither outcome reflects a failure to successfully maintain relationships. Both reflect commitment to living authentically, which ultimately benefits everyone involved.
Moving Forward Practically
Consider these concrete steps to help you determine where your friendships are at:
Notice your body's response during and after interactions. Energy that feels heavy or depleted is valuable information, even when your mind tries to rationalize staying connected.
Practice gradual distance rather than dramatic confrontations. We don’t always have to cut the cord completely or have a showdown. Natural spacing can often keep a friendship in tact while still honoring our needs.
Create space intentionally for relationships that energize you. This might mean saying no to some social commitments to make room for connections that actually nourish you.
Remember, you are allowed to change and grow at any age, but especially in midlife and beyond where we may not have as many years ahead as we do behind. Being intentional with our time and energy matters, as does keeping company with those who uplift and nourish us and allow for our continued growth.
⭕️ If you're craving deeper connections with women who understand the complexities of growth in midlife, consider joining Women at the Well - my monthly gathering for authentic conversation and community wisdom.
Kristin Neff — Self-Compassion
Pauline Boss — Ambiguous Loss
Dr. Miriam Kirmayer — Press / Friendship research overview