Life Is Not Linear (and Age-Related Goals are BS)
A few years ago, a woman sent me a message me to say she couldn’t believe that I was the same person who spoke about all things empowering but also shared personal truths about anxiety and depression. She not-so-subtly suggested that I wasn’t being authentic, because surely I was one or the other?
I remember thinking how strange it was that she’d put me into this tiny little box with barely any room to breathe, much less embrace my multitudes.
Because really, whose life is like that? A singular style of living that offers no space for our full self-expression.
Duality occupies many spaces. Our human bodies, hearts and minds included. But we tend to be uncomfortable with complexity, preferring instead to have concise categories where everything is neat, tidy and knowable. Even if it feels restrictive or unattainable.
From a young age we’re encouraged to present ourselves to the world in such specific ways. We’re supposed to decide on exactly who we’re going to be, how we’re going to live our lives, how we’ll define success. And then we begin to measure ourselves against that slender criteria. Mercilessly.
Maybe you grew up thinking you’d have everything figured out by 30. For some reason 30 is that magical age on the horizon that most of us envisage greeting with All The Things in place. Namely a perfect partner, a magazine-worthy home, charming children and a well-behaved dog. An age where we’ll be completely together in every area of our lives.
And maybe you reached 30 with none of those things. And you told yourself you were a failure because of it.
Maybe you had some of those things. And you judged yourself for not being totally on track.
Or maybe 30 saw you with all of those things, and more. Yet you still felt as though you weren’t quite where you were supposed to be because not every waking moment depicted the Pinterest-worthy picture you’d been visualizing all those years.
So you moved the goalpost to 40. Another decade to get it together. Definitely doable. Yep, 40 will be the magical age of Everything Sailing Smoothly. By that time you’ll also be debt-free, well-read, having exactly the right amount of sex and attending exactly the right amount of social engagements. Checking all the boxes.
And then 40 comes and once again there’s none, some or all of the things, but the landscape just isn’t how you imagined it. You feel confident in some areas but completely incompetent in others. You love your partner but you’re struggling in your relationship. You enjoy your job, but it doesn’t pay very well. You care about your family but you don’t want to spend every other Sunday visiting them.
So… maybe… by 50?
No. Uh-uh.
Do not move that goalpost again. In fact, do yourself a favor and dismantle it.
It’s not your age that needs to change, it’s your expectations.
You’re not failing because you don’t have an entirely perfect life complete with entirely perfect trimmings. But you might be miserable because you have an unrealistic idea of what your life is “supposed” to look like and you’re holding out for some kind of linear lifestyle, forgetting that you do, in fact, contain multitudes. And sometimes multitudes are messy.
I have a name for linear living: flatlining. A straight line with no life in it. And trust me, you don’t want that no-life life.
So how do we begin to embrace the fullness of who we are? How do we stop beating ourselves up for not fitting into the tiny, tidy box that the world loves to tell us is the only space we can occupy?
A good place to start is by replacing “but” with “and”.
“I talk about empowerment, but I have anxiety.”
becomes
“I talk about empowerment, and I have anxiety.”
Two true statements. Neither one outweighs the other.
A simple word change can shift a restrictive sentence into a great big expanse where possibility can breathe. An expanse in which two truths, or more, can co-exist. An expanse where we’re not measuring our lives by how singular our experiences are, or by whatever age we’re at when we have them.
You can be making smart financial decisions and have debt.
You can feel privileged to be alive and feel unsettled about aging.
You can appreciate your body and feel resentful about it changing.
We don’t have to fixate on a single part of the story. We don’t have to punish ourselves for spilling over into multiple stories. Remember: duality is not indicative of authenticity.
We can give ourselves permission to be who we are. Exactly who we are. Fully who we are. Women who sometimes have a handle on this life thing, and who sometimes feel like we’re unraveling. The beauty of both/and.
P.S. Want to feel seen, supported and celebrated during midlife? Sign up to be notified when the doors to Visible are open.