When Your Capable Self Simply... Stops (And Why That's Actually Normal)
"I tend to freeze when I'm very overwhelmed."
These words, spoken during a recent consultation, caught my attention. Not because they were surprising, but because they were so familiar. Many of the midlife women I work with describe some version of this experience - the moment when their usually capable, organized, accomplished self simply... stops.
I’m not talking about the frantic kind of overwhelm that pushes you into overdrive, or the anxious kind that makes you want to run away. This is the freeze kind. The one where your to-do list feels impossible, your phone suddenly seems easier than your priorities, and life carries on while you feel stuck on the sidelines.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. You're experiencing a completely normal stress response that happens to be one of the most misunderstood ones.
Another Common Stress Response
Most of us know about fight or flight - the way your body mobilizes energy when it perceives a threat. But there's a third response that's often overlooked: freeze.
When your nervous system determines that neither fighting nor fleeing will solve the problem, it can automatically shift into freeze. This isn’t a conscious choice, but an ancient survival response that temporarily halts action. Rather than shutting everything down completely, freeze often feels like mental or behavioral “stuckness”. It may conserve energy, narrow attention, and make you feel paralyzed while your system recalibrates.
In the wild, this response can be lifesaving. But in midlife, if you're managing aging parents, career transitions, relationship changes, health concerns, and financial pressures all at once, the freeze response can make you feel like you're failing at life.
Why Midlife Creates the Perfect Storm
Midlife often presents a unique combination of factors that can trigger the freeze response more frequently:
Complexity overload: You're probably not just stressed about one thing. You're managing multiple major life areas simultaneously, each with their own timelines and demands.
Hormone fluctuations: Perimenopause and menopause can affect your stress response system. Your body's ability to regulate energy and mood may be less predictable.
Identity reconstruction: In midlife, it’s likely that your role in life is shifting, personally or professionally. This process of redefining who you are while maintaining daily responsibilities can be mentally exhausting.
Time pressure awareness: The recognition that you may have fewer years ahead than behind can add urgency to every decision, making even small choices feel weighted with significance.
Research shows that psychological stressors - including work pressure and life challenges - can activate the same stress response systems as physical threats. That is why overwhelm can feel physical even when nothing dangerous is happening. When we're constantly processing multiple pressures, our body's stress response can remain chronically activated, even during seemingly calm moments.
A gentle note: The experiences described here are part of the normal human stress response. If your symptoms feel overwhelming, long-lasting, or interfere with daily life, please seek support from a healthcare provider or mental health professional. Support is available, and you deserve it.
Why Generic Self-Care Advice Backfires
When you're in overwhelm freeze, well-meaning friends and articles might tell you to "just take a bubble bath" or "go for a walk" or "practice gratitude." This advice isn't wrong, but it often misses the mark.
When your system has frozen, it's because it has detected that fight or flight won't resolve the situation. Generic self-care advice often falls short because it doesn't acknowledge the protective nature of the freeze response or address what's actually happening in your nervous system.
Rather than more activities to add to your overwhelmed system, you need permission to stop trying so hard. You need guidance that meets you exactly where you are, not where you think you should be.
What Actually Helps During Overwhelm Freeze
Start with one small thing: Not because small things will solve everything, but because they can restart your sense of agency. (That’s agency - not urgency!) Your system needs proof that action is still possible.
Name what's actually happening: “I'm in freeze mode right now, and that's my nervous system trying to protect me.” Recognition often begins to shift the experience.
Seek targeted support: Generic advice assumes everyone's overwhelm looks the same. But your overwhelm has specific triggers, patterns, and circumstances that require personalized approaches.
Remember this is normal: The freeze response is an adaptive response that served our ancestors well. It's not a character flaw or evidence that you can't handle your life.
When One Size Fits None
If you're like me and you’re someone who's always been able to juggle multiple things, the freeze response can feel disorienting. And being completely honest, it can feel scary. It’s similar to brain fog in that way. Especially if you're used to being the person others come to for solutions and you’ve built a life around your competence and capability.
I remember sitting at my desk 18 months ago. We’d just moved house, I was in the thick of perimenopause and I had seventeen browser tabs open, three urgent emails waiting, and a decision deadline looming. Instead of tackling any of it, I found myself staring at my phone for an hour, accomplishing absolutely nothing. Classic freeze response. It happened a lot during that winter. Overwhelm was a frequent visitor.
My experience taught me that navigating midlife means having a different kind of conversation with my brain (and body) than I did ten, or even five years ago. I’m not the same person as I was. And that’s ok. I have to meet myself in this moment, not yearn for a past version of myself.
I’ve had to cultivate the wisdom to know when and how to act during overwhelm (for me, it’s starting small and gaining momentum) and what to trust will naturally unfold (guided meditation helps me with this.) Most importantly, it means having support that understands the nuanced reality of my particular situation. I’m not quite like anyone else - and neither are you.
This is why one-size-fits-all approaches don’t always work. Your overwhelm isn't identical to your friend, co-worker, or family member. It's shaped by your specific responsibilities, your particular history, your unique combination of challenges and resources.
The most effective support doesn't just tell you to breathe deeply or think positive thoughts. It meets you in the reality of your life and offers guidance that accounts for who you are, what you're facing, and how your system specifically responds to stress.
Moving Through, Not Past
The goal isn't to never experience overwhelm freeze again. After all, life will continue to present situations that challenge your capacity. The aim is to recognize the response when it happens, work with it instead of against it, and have support systems that help you navigate without judgment.
Please know that you're not too much. You're not failing at anything.
You're experiencing a normal stress response, and you deserve support that meets you exactly where you are right now.
🌱 If overwhelm freeze is your current reality, you don't have to figure it out alone. Elevations - Personalized Meditations are designed specifically for your circumstances, your stress patterns, and your path forward.