Everything Meets and Merges
These past months have been full of everything. I’ve been spilling over with creativity and I’m so thrilled at what I’ve built and what I continue to work towards.
I’m also full of pain with a herniated disc and stubborn sciatica. Despite months of physical therapy, massage, CBD and acupuncture, I’m still experiencing severe nerve pain. I’m now seeing a chiropractor and hoping that I’ll have a breakthrough.
I do not believe that eveything can always be erased or eliminated, our pain included. An unpopular theory in today’s instantaneous World of quick fixes, cures, and of course New Age spirituality, which is not something I subscribe to.
I do believe that there will be moments, or hours, or days of great joy and then moments, or hours, or days of grief or despair, and they will not necessarily be set so far apart.
It is strange at times to be living in the thick of these intersections. These spaces that are weighted with no answers and little reassurance. Yet still there are the bright corners of clarity that seem so certain. All of it blending together in some kind of spectacular experience that feels human and ethereal all at once.
Perhaps all of life is like this. Everything meets and merges.
I am always looking for where the balance is. Where the work can be done and where the energy can be beautifully restored. I am here for justice, but also for joy. The two can be intertwined in such a way that they lovingly support one another.
Now that Creating Courage has finished its first session, I have space to begin some new projects. It feels good to be choosing again. To be intentional. To say no to all the boxes that I have no desire to check (TedTalk, podcast, panel of experts) and know that this is a choice that doesn’t stem from fear, or playing “small”, but a deeper awareness of what doesn’t speak to me and also what I refuse to dilute.
I like this space of quietness. Deliberateness. I like saying Yes and meaning it. I like the boundaries that come with my No. I don’t like the pain that my body is going through. I don’t like the energy that has to be reserved for medical appointments and the telling over and over again of everything that seems to be etched into me, uninvited.
It’s been almost a year since I launched my Patreon page. I now have at least one Patron at every tier. I can’t explain how that feels, or the difference it makes to me. In all the ways.
I keep thinking of Mary Oliver. Of the smell of summer air. Of what it is to be met in the space you are in, without being asked to show up differently. I keep thinking of how we place value on people and possessions. Of all the lyrics that won’t ever leave me. Of how I never knew before now that illness can impact confidence.
I keep marveling at how connection can make such a difference. How caramel and coconut in loose tea can be so soothing. How we are living and dying and lost and found. The orchestration of us. So impossibly perfect and broken.